Shiny, Happy Zombie Nation

If you're anything like me, you know (at least) a few people whose only thoughts consist of undead roaming the earth as brain vultures.  Some of them might even have plans and anti-zombie gear.  If they're smart though, you wouldn't know about these plans. But what's more interesting is WHY a zombie apocalypse is so intriguing...
With movies like "Zombieland" an apocalypse almost looks like fun (unless you want a Twinkie).  But there's a lot more to it than Bill Murray, practicing cardio, and double taps. Some researchers think the zombie fad is caused by something more.

Your economy is doing worse than a 45yr old whore in the Vatican, you have a shitty job that doesn't pay enough for the over-rated college education you're paying for, your girlfriend is pissed off because of a look you just gave her, and the country hates the president they just re-elected.  Supposedly this is a perfect equation for people feeling unhappy and powerless... and that's what makes zombies so popular.

This idea makes sense, I guess.  We're unhappy, poor, jobless, pissed off, stressed out and powerless.  But there's got to be something other than a forced scientific idea and first-world problems! No one has REALLY seen a zombie... maybe aside from bath salts addicts.  Actually it could solve a lot of problems...

It could be really entertaining to watch all of the idiots worldwide get their faces eaten off.  Survival of the fittest = less stupid people plaguing the earth!  It's a perfect solution for the typical lazy American, too. If everyone is a zombie, you don't have to work, you don't have to listen to what's-her-face bitching, you don't have to do anything but sit, hide and kill the occasional zombie.  Sounds like an awesome real-life video game to me... Not to mention no more traffic, no more sack-less boss, no more babies screaming in restaurants, no more fighting-at-3am white trash neighbors... and if someone pisses you off you can just kill them. Your girlfriend keeps blabbing about how you're not good enough?  POW, no more girlfriend...and now you're good enough and can carry fewer supplies.  Simple!

Until it happens, though, you still have to put up with your first-world shit life complete with a broken down car, speeding ticket, break up, losing job and dog dying all on the same day. So, I decided to help with your preparation!

Things NOT To Do During A Zombie Apocalypse (You're Welcome!):

1. Don't set zombies on fire... they smell bad enough already.
2. Don't get emotional, just shoot her... she won't cook for you anymore anyway.
3. Don't forget to close doors!  We've all seen enough bad scary movies to know this one!
4. Don't travel!  You're inside, zombies are outside.  Please don't go outside unless the zombies come inside...

-Scrizzle